I go on vacation for the week. I leave my home because I must. I don't want to be sad and for some reason staying at home makes me sad. It's when I celebrate that the twins ever existed. I always have the two polar bears with me and I take pictures of them wherever I am.
We always release two b-day balloons. I write there names and ages on the balloons. I take pictures and watch the balloons till they get swallowed up by the clouds.
Every manager I work for I tell them during the interview that every year I must be off that week no matter what. I usually explain and it's never been a problem, people have been very understanding.
Early on one year, we went o Glacier National Park. My husband is late for everything so we got a late start on there b-day. We were hiking to hidden lake. The park was still open in late Oct. because the first snow had not fallen. At the bottom of the mountain it was sunny but chilly. Coming from a warmer part of the country we had lots of layers on. For some reason I chose to add some non-helium balloons. As we walked higher it started getting hot and we started removing layers. When he got to Hidden Lake it was sunny and beautiful. We were all alone (everyone else had enough sense to be at the bottom already). Very quickly it got dark and windy, then it started snowing. This all happened in 5 min. I quickly released the balloons so we could get back down the mountain before total darkness. This was the time when bears are looking for food before they go into hibernation . Well those extra balloons brought down the entire bunch and they fell into the lake. We watched as they drifted to the side with no shore, just a cliff. I was upset because the balloons would not go into the clouds. I was more worried about being eaten by a bear and said, we had to go. My husband keeps watching, not wanting to leave. The wind changed and started pushing the balloons back the other way. He ran to the other end and got the balloons, it's a small lake. We quickly tore off the extra balloons and release the b-day ones. With the wind they quickly made it to the clouds and we left. It's still snowing and even darker as we try to follow that path down. That was hopeless so we followed the river. My husband had bought the biggest can of bear spray he could find and they told us to make noise because the bears did not really want to see us anymore than we wanted to see them. Well the only song we knew that we could sing loud and for a long time was "Old McDonald had a Farm" and we sand it at the top of our lungs all the way down. When we got back around 6 PM it was nice and sunny at the bottom. :-) It was a fabulous b-day for all.
Monday, February 3, 2014
The Polar Bears
In the NICU a nurse gave my son a polar bear. The toy was so appropriate, he was so white, with black looking eyes, and he was huge. Then there was the snow blanket. That started a collection. For x-mas and beyond I have received gifts of polar bears. We have far too many polar bears now. What would have been his room is full of them and it's called the polar bear room. Of course it's painted snow white also! But back then I just had the one bear.
When you are depressed different things upset you. One day I was thinking about the twin we also lost during this pregnancy. The actual miscarriage was at 13 - 14 weeks. I focused on him (we decided he would have been a boy also) and I was distressed that no one ever seem to remember the other baby that never was. I was alone, at home. It was about 6 weeks after baby boy was born. I had been upstairs in his room, as I often was. I came down and walked into my bedroom, there on the floor was a very small white polar bear. I looked around and to this day we have no idea where that bear came from but I knew it was the twin's bear. They have never been apart since that day.
When you are depressed different things upset you. One day I was thinking about the twin we also lost during this pregnancy. The actual miscarriage was at 13 - 14 weeks. I focused on him (we decided he would have been a boy also) and I was distressed that no one ever seem to remember the other baby that never was. I was alone, at home. It was about 6 weeks after baby boy was born. I had been upstairs in his room, as I often was. I came down and walked into my bedroom, there on the floor was a very small white polar bear. I looked around and to this day we have no idea where that bear came from but I knew it was the twin's bear. They have never been apart since that day.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Grieving
When you are on the maternity ward and you don't have a baby they put something on your door so everyone knows. This is to prevent insensitive questions, like someone coming in to ask where your baby is. Everyone stays away for the most part and your door stays closed (I guess so you don't hear the babies). An older lady came to see me. She was a volunteer and she had lost a child 40 - 60 yrs ago. I could feel her pain, still. I wish I could thank her because what she told me was so simple and yet so profound. I had to let myself grieve. As she puts it, back in the old days people would say, "time to move on". Well I have news for her, people still say that. They are well meaning, they are hoping to bring you out of the fog. The problem is, it does not work. It's like putting a 2" bandage over a 12" knife wound.
I had to be very understanding with my family and very uncompromising. I took that lady's advice and let myself grieve. I refused to participate in gatherings I felt would upset me. Once we went to someone's b-day dinner at the same place we had went while I was pregnant and they were seated at the same table, I ran out crying and we left. By then my husband understood and did not say I need to move on or get over it. He just drove me home.
Our first Christmas came just 2 months after baby boy died and I refused to do anything for x-mas. Everyone whined but I told them, to go without me and have fun for all of us. I knew I would ruin the day for everyone by trying to go out and pretend nothing was wrong. I convinced them all I would just fine, it was what I wanted. It all worked out fine they had a good time. I went up to the room that would have been his bedroom and looked through his things and cried a lot, it was what I wanted to do. I thought that might be the day I look at his ashes but it wasn't and after 12 yrs I figure that day will never come. But that's OK, there is no rule about looking at ashes.
I saw a counselor for 3 yrs and was on and off different meds for 3 yrs. Then one day I stopped taking them, I told the counselor I was done and that was that. if I had not done all these things until I was ready to move on, I can't imagine where I would be today. I'm not sure I would have survived intact. The woman who came to see me was trying to say if I did not let myself grieve till I was ready I would grieve in the worst way, forever, like she still does.
Everyone is different, some will take longer and some will be shorter. It took me 3 years of grieving to move on. :-) "Move on" is a good phrase and "get over it" is a bad one. You never get over losing a child, never. You grieve daily until you can find a way to cope and this allows you to move on, to grieve less. I also took great pleasure in the small things I did get to enjoy with him, all that kicking up to the very end. The warm showers, the waves, and we made it to the end, he was born alive. It's the most you can ask for when birth, means death.
I had to be very understanding with my family and very uncompromising. I took that lady's advice and let myself grieve. I refused to participate in gatherings I felt would upset me. Once we went to someone's b-day dinner at the same place we had went while I was pregnant and they were seated at the same table, I ran out crying and we left. By then my husband understood and did not say I need to move on or get over it. He just drove me home.
Our first Christmas came just 2 months after baby boy died and I refused to do anything for x-mas. Everyone whined but I told them, to go without me and have fun for all of us. I knew I would ruin the day for everyone by trying to go out and pretend nothing was wrong. I convinced them all I would just fine, it was what I wanted. It all worked out fine they had a good time. I went up to the room that would have been his bedroom and looked through his things and cried a lot, it was what I wanted to do. I thought that might be the day I look at his ashes but it wasn't and after 12 yrs I figure that day will never come. But that's OK, there is no rule about looking at ashes.
I saw a counselor for 3 yrs and was on and off different meds for 3 yrs. Then one day I stopped taking them, I told the counselor I was done and that was that. if I had not done all these things until I was ready to move on, I can't imagine where I would be today. I'm not sure I would have survived intact. The woman who came to see me was trying to say if I did not let myself grieve till I was ready I would grieve in the worst way, forever, like she still does.
Everyone is different, some will take longer and some will be shorter. It took me 3 years of grieving to move on. :-) "Move on" is a good phrase and "get over it" is a bad one. You never get over losing a child, never. You grieve daily until you can find a way to cope and this allows you to move on, to grieve less. I also took great pleasure in the small things I did get to enjoy with him, all that kicking up to the very end. The warm showers, the waves, and we made it to the end, he was born alive. It's the most you can ask for when birth, means death.
Regrets
After we had been in that room for some time, someone came in and asked if we would consent to an autopsy. I was too distraught at that moment and said, no.
All that planning and I never considered an autopsy. I wished the Drs had asked me while I was pregnant but I know it was just too much for them. I would have said, yes and then I would not have had any regrets.
I have no regrets about my pregnancy and the choices I made with the exception of the autopsy.
My son would have been 12 this past Oct (2013). Medicine has come a long way in these 12 years and it would not have happened without autopsy's. If you are facing something similar, please consider an autopsy.
All that planning and I never considered an autopsy. I wished the Drs had asked me while I was pregnant but I know it was just too much for them. I would have said, yes and then I would not have had any regrets.
I have no regrets about my pregnancy and the choices I made with the exception of the autopsy.
My son would have been 12 this past Oct (2013). Medicine has come a long way in these 12 years and it would not have happened without autopsy's. If you are facing something similar, please consider an autopsy.
He's gone
I worried for nothing, my husband moved his arm slightly and the tube came out, we freaked out. Not knowing what to do we just looked stricken and they asked if we wanted him resuscitated.
We had said all along we did not want him resuscitated. It was over, he was gone.
The neonatologist came to us and told us she had resuscitated him before so he would be alive when we got there. It seems she was confessing. We thanked her. With grieving parents you never know how something like that would go. Months later I wrote her a letter telling her how very grateful we were that she had gone against our wishes so we could hold him while he was alive. We could tell it meant a lot to her that we said that.
They very quickly took us to a room so we could be alone with him, away from everyone.
We had said all along we did not want him resuscitated. It was over, he was gone.
The neonatologist came to us and told us she had resuscitated him before so he would be alive when we got there. It seems she was confessing. We thanked her. With grieving parents you never know how something like that would go. Months later I wrote her a letter telling her how very grateful we were that she had gone against our wishes so we could hold him while he was alive. We could tell it meant a lot to her that we said that.
They very quickly took us to a room so we could be alone with him, away from everyone.
Baby boy
We went to the NICU. There were a lot of babies, they were so small and frail looking. Then there was my son, he was huge, he looked like a very short line backer. His shoulders were very wide and his chest was big. He did not look abnormal, he looked like a body builder.
I brought 3 outfits to the hospital and the only one that would fit him was the light grey one with the silly beret. I dressed him and wrapped him in his snow white blanket. I noticed a small Polar bear, like a beanie baby. One of the nurses had chose it for him. It was fitting, he was very white with black looking eyes and black looking hair. His hair was long and as I touched it I saw something, I looked at his hair closer and saw that while the first .5 inch was black the other .5 inch was red, like mine. He got his hair from both of us. We took many pictures and we laughed at the dumb beret.
I did not realize he would be drugged and it made me sad. But they told me he would have been in pain because he could not breath. While I wanted him to open his eyes and look at me again I never wanted him to feel any pain. We took turns holding him. I then realized I was going to have to decide when to turn off the machine or whatever they do. I was horrified, it never occurred to me I would have to do that and I did not think I could.
I brought 3 outfits to the hospital and the only one that would fit him was the light grey one with the silly beret. I dressed him and wrapped him in his snow white blanket. I noticed a small Polar bear, like a beanie baby. One of the nurses had chose it for him. It was fitting, he was very white with black looking eyes and black looking hair. His hair was long and as I touched it I saw something, I looked at his hair closer and saw that while the first .5 inch was black the other .5 inch was red, like mine. He got his hair from both of us. We took many pictures and we laughed at the dumb beret.
I did not realize he would be drugged and it made me sad. But they told me he would have been in pain because he could not breath. While I wanted him to open his eyes and look at me again I never wanted him to feel any pain. We took turns holding him. I then realized I was going to have to decide when to turn off the machine or whatever they do. I was horrified, it never occurred to me I would have to do that and I did not think I could.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Two hours till verdict
Baby boy was 8 lbs 10.5 oz. That was an enormous baby for me to deliver and it took them exactly 2 hrs to sew me back together. I was just getting into the shower when the neonatologist and some other specialist came in to tell me it was even worse than they thought. He had everything (CDH and TOF) they saw plus complete atresia of the pulmonary valve.
"TOF/PA is relatively rare, with a reported incidence of 0.7 per 10,000 live births in the Baltimore-Washington Infant Study [1]. While TOF is the most common cyanotic congenital heart lesion, TOF/PA/MAPCAs is considered to be the most extreme form of TOF and accounts for approximately one-fifth of all cases of TOF [2].
So that was it, no chance and no hope. It was what I had spent my pregnancy preparing for so the while news distressed me it did not shock me.
"TOF/PA is relatively rare, with a reported incidence of 0.7 per 10,000 live births in the Baltimore-Washington Infant Study [1]. While TOF is the most common cyanotic congenital heart lesion, TOF/PA/MAPCAs is considered to be the most extreme form of TOF and accounts for approximately one-fifth of all cases of TOF [2].
ANATOMY
Tetralogy of Fallot with pulmonary valve atresia (TOF/PA) is a complex lesion that includes characteristic features of TOF (anterior malaligned ventricular septal defect and overriding aorta) with pulmonary valve atresia. Pulmonary valve atresia may be limited to the valve itself (membranous pulmonary valve atresia) or involve the subpulmonary infundibulum (muscular pulmonary valve atresia), and results in no antegrade flow from the right ventricle to the pulmonary artery"So that was it, no chance and no hope. It was what I had spent my pregnancy preparing for so the while news distressed me it did not shock me.
Birthday, say hello and goodby.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point to be able to write about this and not cry to the point I cannot see the keyboard.
It's 4 AM, it's a Tuesday and my due date. It seems like nothing happened during this pregnancy unless it was Tuesday. My other pregnancies started with natural labor. This was my first time getting Pitocin. It was also my first getting an epidural.
DR G knew this would be the only time we would get to see our son so he allowed us to video tape the entire birth. That video showed me just how lucky I was when I decided to get an epidural.
Before my legs went completely numb I felt the need to urinate. They brought a portable potty chair next to my bed telling me it was too dangerous for me to try and walk to the bathroom. As soon as I say down my water broke and it was a ton of water.
Back in bed my contractions got harder and then the epidural stopped working on one side. Wow you have not lived till you feel all your labor on just one side. And I thought natural was bad. They got me fixed up and that did not happen again. Dr G kept checking on me and after many hrs, still no baby. I told him he was not ready to come on time. My first child was born on her due date and the second one was 2 weeks early. This baby had no intention of being born on time or early.
This hospital is a teaching hospital so there were many Drs at different phases of there careers and the students. A baby being born with CDH was very rare and these Drs are not shy. They asked me if they could attend the birth. There were already so many specialist but what did I care if they could learn from this.... I delivered with what seemed like 40 people in the room.
At around 2 PM, Dr G says he is going to his office and to page him when I am closer. I said, it will be soon and he looked skeptical. Before he got more than a couple yards they called him back, I was pushing. Alicia Keys had her first CD out and I had not had time to listen to it so I brought it to the hospital. It started playing when I started pushing and I gave birth during the last second of "A Woman's Worth". I know this from watching the CD, not because I was really hearing the music.
My husband went to cut the cord when it just broke off. It was deteriorated and fragile. Did this cause my son's problems or was it the other way around, we'll never know but I always wondered.
Baby boy did not cry, they told me he could die right before birth or right after. I looked at the incubator and saw his eyes open. I reached for him as the Drs were trying to run away with him. Dr G told them to stop and let me touch my son. He was warm and he was already intubated. He would never cry or breath on his own. He looked big and then he was gone.
It's 4 AM, it's a Tuesday and my due date. It seems like nothing happened during this pregnancy unless it was Tuesday. My other pregnancies started with natural labor. This was my first time getting Pitocin. It was also my first getting an epidural.
DR G knew this would be the only time we would get to see our son so he allowed us to video tape the entire birth. That video showed me just how lucky I was when I decided to get an epidural.
Before my legs went completely numb I felt the need to urinate. They brought a portable potty chair next to my bed telling me it was too dangerous for me to try and walk to the bathroom. As soon as I say down my water broke and it was a ton of water.
Back in bed my contractions got harder and then the epidural stopped working on one side. Wow you have not lived till you feel all your labor on just one side. And I thought natural was bad. They got me fixed up and that did not happen again. Dr G kept checking on me and after many hrs, still no baby. I told him he was not ready to come on time. My first child was born on her due date and the second one was 2 weeks early. This baby had no intention of being born on time or early.
This hospital is a teaching hospital so there were many Drs at different phases of there careers and the students. A baby being born with CDH was very rare and these Drs are not shy. They asked me if they could attend the birth. There were already so many specialist but what did I care if they could learn from this.... I delivered with what seemed like 40 people in the room.
At around 2 PM, Dr G says he is going to his office and to page him when I am closer. I said, it will be soon and he looked skeptical. Before he got more than a couple yards they called him back, I was pushing. Alicia Keys had her first CD out and I had not had time to listen to it so I brought it to the hospital. It started playing when I started pushing and I gave birth during the last second of "A Woman's Worth". I know this from watching the CD, not because I was really hearing the music.
My husband went to cut the cord when it just broke off. It was deteriorated and fragile. Did this cause my son's problems or was it the other way around, we'll never know but I always wondered.
Baby boy did not cry, they told me he could die right before birth or right after. I looked at the incubator and saw his eyes open. I reached for him as the Drs were trying to run away with him. Dr G told them to stop and let me touch my son. He was warm and he was already intubated. He would never cry or breath on his own. He looked big and then he was gone.
The pastor
Another thing I forgot. Some time after the trip to the beach one of the pastors from the base went to see my husband at his office. He told him how proud he was of both of us because most people would have chose to terminate the pregnancy. He said many things I don't recall now but what I do recall is when my husband told me about it and he said, "thank you". I knew exactly what he meant and no other words were needed.
We were in this together, no matter what.
We were in this together, no matter what.
The nine day migraine and a spinal tap.
I forgot to write about the nine day migraine. Every night for nine days I was in the ER with this migraine. They would keep me there all night and release me at 7 AM. On one of the those nights the ER doc decided I had to be bleeding in my brain. He said they had to remove fluid from my spine. Is he kidding, I am the woman who had natural child birth twice because I was afraid of having a needle in my spine. And my first baby was 36 hrs of hard labor. For those of you that don't know what that means, it's NO DRUGS just raw pain and a ton of screaming. And this guy now wants to take fluid out of my spine. I said, "no!" We asked if there was another way. He said, they could do an U/S but they are not 100% effective and if it showed nothing they still had to take out the fluid. Of course the U/S showed nothing. I am guessing there were many tears and my husband pleading with me to do the test. So the test got done. The ER doc calls the neurosurgeon, who says, he's not impressed and is not coming in to open my head. We sit in the dark wondering what is going on. he told us what the neurosurgeon said. We were not sure what to think. After some time the commander comes in an apologizes to us, he said the ER doc was wrong. Well this mostly turned out to be a good thing. Now that I had that done I was no longer afraid to have an epidural and that was one of the best things that happened to me in hindsight. The only bad thing to come of that was now I also had a spinal headache. So now when I stood up I had another headache on top of the migraine.
This was the headache I had when I first met Dr G. He was very protective of me from the very beginning and never wanted me to feel physical pain. He called the Anesthesiologist to come fix me. As I understood it they take my own blood and put it back to fill the area where the fluid was taken from to stop the headache. It did not work. DR G got mad at them and called the chief. He said this works 99% of the time. I always seem to be in that 1 % so I declined to go through that again. It was not fun having a needle in your spine being fed from the needle in your arm, ugh.
On the ninth day the headache stopped and never returned. I have always wondered if that was my body's way of telling me something was wrong. I do not suffer from migraines
This was the headache I had when I first met Dr G. He was very protective of me from the very beginning and never wanted me to feel physical pain. He called the Anesthesiologist to come fix me. As I understood it they take my own blood and put it back to fill the area where the fluid was taken from to stop the headache. It did not work. DR G got mad at them and called the chief. He said this works 99% of the time. I always seem to be in that 1 % so I declined to go through that again. It was not fun having a needle in your spine being fed from the needle in your arm, ugh.
On the ninth day the headache stopped and never returned. I have always wondered if that was my body's way of telling me something was wrong. I do not suffer from migraines
The day before.
It was a beautiful fall day and I was so happy we had made it to the end. Baby boys due date was the next day. We were being admitted to the hospital to have the excess water drained.
On this day I took pictures. There are pictures of me before "bad news" Tues and then none till this day. I even took picture of my HUGE belly, it was something to see. I'm going to look for those pics and post them. I'm smiling.
Now for this draining business. It's just like getting an amnio except instead of getting a small amount of fluid in a tube they are removing it into a bottle. I don't recall any pain but I don't know why. I think they waited till right before I got induced so they could do an epidural.
I told you baby boy always waved. They had the U/S on while they took out the fluid to make sure they did not harm the baby. Well he outdid himself this time, he grabbed the needle and brought it to his mouth so he looked like he was holding a mike and singing. They pulled the needle up because they were afraid he might hurt himself. After all these years that still amazes me. I had not idea an unborn baby could do that. They drained a liter of water and there was plenty left.
On this day I took pictures. There are pictures of me before "bad news" Tues and then none till this day. I even took picture of my HUGE belly, it was something to see. I'm going to look for those pics and post them. I'm smiling.
Now for this draining business. It's just like getting an amnio except instead of getting a small amount of fluid in a tube they are removing it into a bottle. I don't recall any pain but I don't know why. I think they waited till right before I got induced so they could do an epidural.
I told you baby boy always waved. They had the U/S on while they took out the fluid to make sure they did not harm the baby. Well he outdid himself this time, he grabbed the needle and brought it to his mouth so he looked like he was holding a mike and singing. They pulled the needle up because they were afraid he might hurt himself. After all these years that still amazes me. I had not idea an unborn baby could do that. They drained a liter of water and there was plenty left.
Planning for life and death.
I tried to plan everything. I told the DR's they could have time to look over my baby and tell me what was what. However, if things were as bad as they seemed to be I did not want him to undergo any worthless surgeries. They said, it would take 2 hrs to evaluate him. I told them I did not want him kept alive.
I even asked about donating his organs. I knew with his health issues we would be limited in what could be donated. I think I shocked them because no one really said anything. I asked about it again, later but I just got this impression that it would never happen and it may have been because of the trisomy 21. But this is just an impression, I never did know what it was.
I even picked a funeral home. I could not call so my 19 yr old daughter called for me. My husband and I went and made the arrangements before I gave birth. To the guys credit he maintained his composure when we explained we were there to make arrangement for someone who was not born yet and had not died, yet. And yet I could tell he was surprised.
I thought I had planned for everything, how wrong I was.
I even asked about donating his organs. I knew with his health issues we would be limited in what could be donated. I think I shocked them because no one really said anything. I asked about it again, later but I just got this impression that it would never happen and it may have been because of the trisomy 21. But this is just an impression, I never did know what it was.
I even picked a funeral home. I could not call so my 19 yr old daughter called for me. My husband and I went and made the arrangements before I gave birth. To the guys credit he maintained his composure when we explained we were there to make arrangement for someone who was not born yet and had not died, yet. And yet I could tell he was surprised.
I thought I had planned for everything, how wrong I was.
Two weeks before due day
I am now 38 weeks pregnant. We are all amazed we have made it this far. DR. G tells me he wants to schedule the birth. Hmm, I'm not sure about that. It was my goal to stay pregnant as long as possible and baby boy was not showing any signs of leaving his happy place. It's almost like he knew that birth was the end for him.
He explains that we cannot just show-up in the middle of the night, that they need to be ready for us and we would be a huge shock to the young DR's on-call at night.
He said that the excess fluid was a risk. That the baby could come out with the large amount of water and if his cord was in the wrong place.....well you get the picture.
Now would be the time to mention that my first child at 6 lbs 10 oz tore me apart. But I was not thinking about that when he made me have visions of baby boy being flushed out with all the water.
He also told me that they needed to have all the specialist there just in case so I needed to deliver during the day in a planned environment. We went back and forth on days but somehow I got him to agree that I would come in just 1 day before my due date to have the extra water drained and on my due date, very early they would induce me if I was not already in labor. I'm sure I had to agree to get get checked everyday or something.
Dr G also agreed that I would deliver in one of the new birthing rooms instead of the OR where they really wanted me.
He explains that we cannot just show-up in the middle of the night, that they need to be ready for us and we would be a huge shock to the young DR's on-call at night.
He said that the excess fluid was a risk. That the baby could come out with the large amount of water and if his cord was in the wrong place.....well you get the picture.
Now would be the time to mention that my first child at 6 lbs 10 oz tore me apart. But I was not thinking about that when he made me have visions of baby boy being flushed out with all the water.
He also told me that they needed to have all the specialist there just in case so I needed to deliver during the day in a planned environment. We went back and forth on days but somehow I got him to agree that I would come in just 1 day before my due date to have the extra water drained and on my due date, very early they would induce me if I was not already in labor. I'm sure I had to agree to get get checked everyday or something.
Dr G also agreed that I would deliver in one of the new birthing rooms instead of the OR where they really wanted me.
9/11
It was a beautiful Tues as I drove to the military base for my Tues appointment. I was 34 weeks pg. I had the radio on as usual when I heard that a plane hit the world trade center. I thought it was some sort of joke and called my husband. He had not heard. I walked into the clinic to see everyone out in the reception area glued to the TV. At just that moment the second plane hit the other building. Everyone was in shock. After a while the DR's realized they had patients and they went back to there offices. I was called for my apt with Dr. G. This was the one and only time I saw Dr G and did not have his full attention, he was distracted. I asked if something else was wrong. I don't recall exactly what he said but he was concerned about the war he was certain was coming. I recall commenting that there was no possible way he would have to go because he treated high risk pg. He said, he was not worried about himself but rather for all the woman having babies who's husbands would be at war. I don't recall anything else about that appt. Everyone was still in shock when I left.
My MIL and religion.
My Mother-in-law was a gentle, southern woman who thought I spent my entire pregnancy sleeping or at Walmart. She was religious so once I told her the bad news she would call every Tues afternoon to ask how my appointment went. She was always surprised that things were either still just as bad or worse. She would always tell me that everything would be fine, that God would make sure my baby would be fine. I would tell her it was not going to be fine, he would not get better. I needed her to accept the reality but she wouldn't. What planet was she living on? It got to the point that I could no longer talk to her. I would not answer the phone and my husband always said I was sleeping or at Walmart and she believed him because her baby would never lie to her. :-) Gotta love it.
My point is this, I was struggling to accept the truth but I needed to. Tuesday's were always the worse because they were "bad news Tuesday's" I struggled everyday to accept what was happening but I knew I had to or I would not survive. Embracing the truth and accepting what was, was my salvation. I stopped talking to everyone. People feel the need to say something uplifting but there was nothing they could say that was going to make this better so I saved them and myself from all the awkwardness. This may not work for everyone but it worked for me.
Some people thought I was religious because I went to Church a lot but I went to different churches. I was not a believer or a non-believer. I was a seeker, I wanted the truth. I believe in reincarnation and I believe in science.
My point is this, I was struggling to accept the truth but I needed to. Tuesday's were always the worse because they were "bad news Tuesday's" I struggled everyday to accept what was happening but I knew I had to or I would not survive. Embracing the truth and accepting what was, was my salvation. I stopped talking to everyone. People feel the need to say something uplifting but there was nothing they could say that was going to make this better so I saved them and myself from all the awkwardness. This may not work for everyone but it worked for me.
Some people thought I was religious because I went to Church a lot but I went to different churches. I was not a believer or a non-believer. I was a seeker, I wanted the truth. I believe in reincarnation and I believe in science.
What should my baby wear.
Before finding out my baby would not live I had bought a few baby things. One of these things was a white blanket that looked like snow. Once I was far enough along to realize he would be born I realized he needed to wear something for his only day of life. The DR's said, he was big so I bought another light grey outfit in case he did not fit what I had bought many months ago. The outfit had this silly looking beret but it was cute. At this point I was around 6 or 7 months pregnant and measuring a year pg. Of course I had to make many jokes about that because my Mom and Dad always said I was a yr old when I was born. I was a month late!
It might seems odd that sometimes I could laugh but as more time went by I became happier as I realized we might make it to term. I could not dream of survival so I dreamed of making it to term, that was my goal during that time. From where we began, making it to term seemed like a huge accomplishment.
I did feel sad when I would open the Sunday paper and an ad for baby furniture would fall out. If I could have bought furniture then it meant everything would have been ok. I like to decorate so to keep my mind of the obvious I would decided how I would decorate his room if I had that furniture. Most of the time I would decide I did did not like it for some reason and I would not have bought it.
It might seems odd that sometimes I could laugh but as more time went by I became happier as I realized we might make it to term. I could not dream of survival so I dreamed of making it to term, that was my goal during that time. From where we began, making it to term seemed like a huge accomplishment.
I did feel sad when I would open the Sunday paper and an ad for baby furniture would fall out. If I could have bought furniture then it meant everything would have been ok. I like to decorate so to keep my mind of the obvious I would decided how I would decorate his room if I had that furniture. Most of the time I would decide I did did not like it for some reason and I would not have bought it.
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