Baby boy

We went to the NICU.  There were a lot of babies, they were so small and frail looking.  Then there was my son, he was huge, he looked like a very short line backer.  His shoulders were very wide and his chest was big.  He did not look abnormal, he looked like a body builder. 

I brought 3 outfits to the hospital and the only one that would fit him was the light grey one with the silly beret.  I dressed him and wrapped him in his snow white blanket.  I noticed a small Polar bear, like a beanie baby.  One of the nurses had chose it for him.  It was fitting, he was very white with black looking eyes and black looking hair.  His hair was long and as I touched it I saw something, I looked at his hair closer and saw that while the first .5 inch was black the other .5 inch was red, like mine.  He got his hair from both of us.  We took many pictures and we laughed at the dumb beret.

I did not realize he would be drugged and it made me sad.  But they told me he would have been in  pain because he could not breath.  While I wanted him to open his eyes and look at me again I never wanted him to feel any pain.  We took turns holding him.  I then realized I was going to have to decide when to turn off the machine or whatever they do.  I was horrified, it never occurred to me I would have to do that and I did not think I could.